I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
