how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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