i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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