they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
