whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
