i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my being single is dangerous.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
