Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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