Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies