eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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