Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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