It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
