WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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