I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
