I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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