the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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