i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
