Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
