I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
