some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
