It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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