I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
