he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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