I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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