Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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