Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hippo gnu deer
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize