Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
