Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
