why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
