So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
