i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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