Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
