you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying