When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
