i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
