did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
