You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
