I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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