Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
