my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
