I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
