Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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