I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
