I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
