My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
