Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
