Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
