Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His nipple licking is glorious
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