I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
