just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
