My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
