woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
