im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
