Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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