Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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