You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
