her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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