i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize