Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
