speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
