i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
third nipple confirmed
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
