Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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