Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
