oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
two words...techno handjob
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
